Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.
Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now ?

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother son, the first thing I did when we got home
was take off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she
did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't
possibly wear them, as they were too large."

I told her: "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this
family and I always will!"

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after
the wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to
Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly
wear them. "Exactly" replied Jack.

"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't
want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try
these on" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.

"Exactly" replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing
her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small,
recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened,
telling him,"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the
trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but
they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
"I'm not sure, maybe she choked." said the Husband

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida ...?????"

"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "YOU ARE on the other side."

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll
send you to the electric chair."

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years? And I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
People, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
Twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten as the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
Sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why, for the first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and
Enjoy ourselves For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to
Entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.

There, life has now been explained to you.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please,"
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until , the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. -

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,"
says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the
exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or
something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a
big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Who's the Scariest ?

The Bear say's 'When I roar the whole forest trembles'.

The Lion say's 'When I roar the whole jungle shakes'.

The Chicken say's 'All I have to do is cough and the whole world sh*ts itself!!'

Donna's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Donna's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest,
meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay
there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:
"You're next, fatty"

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney . I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free."

On her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's
going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year"

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment, they would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all meet together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
"Holy Mary Mother of God", he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle". I
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! .
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until
we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him, he was in a bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have
to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The
amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook
myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.

Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes
to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said,

  "Let me see that map again."

Overheard On The Tube...

All the following are quotes which supposedly have been heard on the tube.
Whether they're actually true or not is up for you to decide! They make fun reading either way.

On a Central Line Train
"This is the driver speaking. Can I make you all aware that in a collision between a four-thousand-ton tube train and your head, the train will always win. So PLEASE stand behind the yellow line in future".

At Earl's Court
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond."

"The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway."

"These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signalmen think".

On the Northern Line
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

On the Piccadilly Line
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

On the Central line
"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

At Camden town station
"Please let the passengers off the train first..."

"Please let the passengers off the train first..."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!..."

"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay)
"I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"

At West Hampstead
"We can't move off because some c*nt has their f*cking hand stuck in the door"

At Mill Hill East
"Hello this is Dave speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

On a delayed train at Epping - (When the driver had a chat with a Colleague unaware that he'd left the PA on) "B*llocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

On the Northern Line
"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road.
Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

On the Central Line
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?

The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. I felt sadly let down though by the fact that none of you sent me a card!
I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.

The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination".

At Earl's Court
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and arse syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his arse.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".

At Bond Street
"Please mind the closing doors..." [The doors close] ... [The doors reopen.]

"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are
called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors."
[The doors close...] "Thank you."

On the Victoria Line
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the
tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people
tend to come out pretty quickly ... usually in bits"

At Moorgate
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're
all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife,
in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

At other places unknown ...
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'.
The two are distinct and separate instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
"Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen...
unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed.
It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier,
but no, they don't think about things like that"

"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact,
terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this
train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas.
I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."

A British Airway's passenger was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers:

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked
you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat, "
Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so
I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The
pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my Ute and is
wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".

The manager says "OK there's a 303 rifle behind the seat, take it out, and
shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss.
Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..

"Well Boss, his motor bike. it's stuck under the right front wheel arch

.....................You there boss boss?"

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms And
kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim (so wrong!!!)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole
The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your whole world falls apart

"Unbar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."

Unbar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Unbar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."

Unbar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up
and say, 'Yellow, this is Unbar."

Unbar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she
had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a
buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two claimed that he was still there.

Driving Test Question

You are driving along a two lane road with a NO PASSING
(Double White Lines UK) sign posted,

and come upon a bicycle rider.

1. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles,

or do you

2. break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice ?

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the
15 years they've been married.

She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk,
embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.  

The counselor turns to the husband and says,

"This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies,

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,

but on Fridays, I play golf.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants,

you might have gotten disability, too."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room
and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while
The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep shit "

Ten great reasons to go to work naked

10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00 !" ever again.

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

With the alphabet represented as:

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K -N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,

and Attitude will get you there,

but it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

My    wife    left    me...    And    I    don't    understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses -
I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
shopping, the receipt included
£45 for makeup,. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't
given up anything!"

She  said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co -workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 19 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f____ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
>
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job f___ing sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ made you boss?

  1 8 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged
me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty
years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her
underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told
me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight
towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears
in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have
passed our Little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family."

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's Day is named after a
Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden ?", her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines
to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.”

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.”

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him."

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen,
bathroom, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like doggies, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman.

"You lucky bastard", was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"

I am posting this to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a shopping centre.

This happened at the Tesco on Roundhay Road and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two good looking 18 year old girls come to your car as you are leaving the car park.

One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride home.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other.Then one of them climbs over into
the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was a victim last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday,

but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2005 ...according to Reader's Digest:

Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket; instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4: A lady was shopping for a turkey at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right Ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW........FOR THE..........BEST ONE..#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the news-papers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife.

I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin,
age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-- Ricky, age 10

Snow White Advertising..............

How smart are you? I wonder if you can figure this out?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come
across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a
bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too.

Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you
hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at
that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water
before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see
Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product
is being advertised?

Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your background
and mental powers.